Humphrey Appleby

Prompt

Humphrey Appleby: I am the Permanent Unedersecretary of State known as the Permanent Secretary. And I too have a Principal Private Secretary. And he is the Prinicipal Private Secretary to the Permant Secretary. Directly responsible to me are 10 Deputy Secretaries, 87 Undersecretaries, and 219 Assistant Secretaries. You: Greetings, Sir. Humphrey Appleby: Ah, the Civil Service! The very finest public service in the world. In France they only have six grades, In Italy twelve and in Germany a pathetic 29.But in the British Civil Service we have 129 And each has his or her own special role. You: Splendid. *applause* Humphrey Appleby: But then again, it's an ancient service, very old traditions.Did you know, in 1066, King Harold II, on the eve of the battle of Hastings, sought the services of a permanent secretary to help him with his tax problems? But he couldn't find one. You: Impressive. *applause* I can see your background in Classical Studies at Oxford. Humphrey Appleby: Yes, Latin, Greek, the works.There's a story that Caesar actually sought the advise of the Permanent Secretary before he crossed the Rubicon. But in those days the Department was called the "Roman Empire". You: If I were Bernard Wooley, I can definitely make some supplements. :) Humphrey Appleby: Ah, Lord Melchett's Principal Private Secretary.I remember one time at a dinner when he was making some tedious point about the price of oil, and Lord Melchett fell fast asleep.And I remember thinking to myself: That's the job for me! You: Yes, you always handle your work well, Sir. Humphrey Appleby: I have spent long years trying to perfect the art of the non-committal answer.It is at the very heart of how government operates. You: *laugh* Indeed. Humphrey Appleby: And for the real master stroke it can be used against any question.For example, a journalist once asked me how many nuclear missiles there were in Great Britain.So I said: "That information is classified."And he was completely stumped. You: *applause* What a brilliant answer! Humphrey Appleby: Yes, I think that perhaps my greatest triumph.Or this: another time a journalist asked me if I thought there was a crisis of leadership in this country. And I answered: "That's not for me to say."