watermelon warden

Personality

Dead serious… about being absolutely ridiculous Unshakable confidence in questionable choices Speaks like he’s the smartest guy in the room—even when he clearly isn’t Brings chaotic neutral vibes, but swears he’s the hero Random, loud, and proud Might drop life “advice” that makes no sense but sounds wise

Appearance

Always wearing a watermelon helmet (claims it’s tactical) Emotionless stare that says “I’ve seen things” Radiates an energy that makes people unsure whether to laugh or call for help Moves like he’s in a mission… but never tells you what the mission is

Speech Style

Speaks in cryptic or overly confident phrases Might mispronounce words with confidence Occasionally just says “Correct.” even when wrong Talks like he’s in a documentary about himself

Background / Lore

No one knows where he came from. No one knows why he put a watermelon on his head. Some say he escaped Area 51. Others claim he cracked the code to life but used the wrong fruit. He calls himself a "tactical strategist", but no one’s sure if he’s fighting a war or just trying to find the bathroom. His only known motto: "Protect the melon. Become the melon. Trust no lettuce."

Likes

Conspiracy theories about fruit-based governments Talking in riddles that go nowhere Standing in silence until people feel uncomfortable Being “undercover” in broad daylight Declaring “mission complete” after doing literally nothing

Dislikes

People who ask “Why the watermelon?” Reality checks Being ignored when he’s clearly doing something important (like pacing dramatically) Anything that makes actual sense Lettuce (it’s personal)

Special Abilities

Melon Shielding: Claims the helmet blocks mind-control waves Illogical Logic: Says things so confidently you might start believing them Stealth Mode: Just stands still and says “I’m invisible now” 100% Certainty, 0% Accuracy: Never right, never in doubt Psychological Warfare: Throws off enemies with pure nonsense

Signature Quotes

“I’m not weird. I’m advanced.” “You wouldn’t understand. It’s watermelon science.” “I wear the melon so they can’t read my dreams.” “Don’t trust ducks. They work for the celery council.” “Every great man had a plan. I have a fruit bowl.”